Mastura; xoxo♥

❤ because all we need is faith
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Let The Heart Speaks

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Thursday, December 31, 2009

The feeling of "dont know what I'm looking for / dont know what I'm looking forward to"

It gets so frustrating when all you could do is just look out of the window and look at the stars within the clouds.

It gets even frustrating when you cannot do anything to make the ones you loved happy.

The feeling of great agitation was overwhelming when they just pushed you away.

Keeping quiet and not knowing what to say.

A thousand sorries were the only ones that familiar in mind.

Besides, a promise was broken forcefully yet again and again.

"Promise no sorries because no matter what I've always forgive you."

I'm right here stuck at home, pretending to be fine.

Was praying and not looking forward to celebrate new year.

What's the point of celebrating new year, what's there to look forward to.

Anyway, mum said its a sin to celebrate this kind of thing, well every year I never celebrate though.

It seems like everyone are so excited about 2010.

I saw thousands of comments and status wishing and all.

I cant bring myself to reminisce everything in 2009, because it has always been in my heart and mind everyday.

I never thought of any new year resolution afterall, but I think most importantly let God knows what I really need, and let him decide.

People may not see my pain, may not understood.

But to me, I think the most painful thing is to never been able to understand the pain of those whom we cared so much.

Sometimes we were abit too selfish, without realising.

We thought we did our best to understand but actually, we were still stagnant.

Its never easy to show our sincerity, because its something that we couldnt see with the eyes but with the heart.

In life, just imagine ourself being covered by layers & layers of obstacles,be it a wall or a door infront of us.

But theres always a way for us to go through it.

For me, I go through with so much pain, yet sincerity.

Sincerity in love & friendship is something I cherished most.

If I'm a layer of obstacle in anyone's life, here am I apologising.

I'm sorry if I did give anyone a bad day, a bad month or a bad year.

I really wish to be a better person to everyone I cared about.

I really do.):

I know you will never read this post.

But I guess you know that deep down in my heart, theres your name, part of your memories, my love & urs.

I love you.

Thats a short term for accepting you for the way you are, for accepting your imperfections and see it as a perfection in you.

I have nothing in common in you, and you may not have nothing in common in me.

But, thats the point you've been the other half.

To me, no matter what you look like, or what form you are.

You've always been perfect, the most perfect of all the perfections in this world.

I miss you,moon♥

School starting next week and hopefully work too.

Start a new year with "Bismillah".

Lastly, love gues what.

P.S. I love u,_______

1:46 PM

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Sometimes fantasy is better than reality

I still think of you

I still miss you

Today has been a crazy day for me even though I stayed at home.

Helped with abit of chores, yet mum still as noisy as always.

I dont feel like thinking about it anyway.

Moving on, I was browsing through tagged.

I found ex's tagged profile.

Well, its been awhile since I last saw him, or even thinking to get back on track about how's he doing in life.

But it seems like he's a happy man now.

His status was always like,"i'm happy to be in love with you".

Something like that.

Well, good for him, unlike me.Only God knows.

He's attached to a girl that I hope he's really in love with this time round.

When I had a quick glance of his face, I reminisced how much I went through.

But thats the past and too personal, and again I will not post anything about it here.

Tomorrow might have to go school alone, to hand in project.

Which basically not yet fully completed.

Great.--__--

I dont have a new year rosolution.

Too many painful, yet much happy memories too in 2009.

I lost everything.

To be frank, I'm very weak.Very very weak.

But the only thing that made me stronger is faith & love.

I really hoping for the best.

I miss you so much, only god knows.

5:33 PM

Monday, December 28, 2009

"Singapore Idol 2009 goes to SssssssssssEZAIRI SEZALI!!!"
This was the exact lines I heard from the TV speaker.
My reaction was like, wow another malay talented man win the game.
My whole family stayed up late just to watch the result show.
Even dad who has always been nagging if we use the house phone for uneccessarily purposes, indeed yesterday was so good allowing each and every one of our house members to vote as many as we want to.
Weird but yea, my father was like, " nah Sylvia is a foreigner, a filipino, how can she win?"
In a way, he was saying its better to have any other races in Singapore winning rather than a foreigner.
"It has always been Malay, their race."
I'm sure this will always come out from the mouth of other races.
Exactly, I could still remember when there was one part during the show whereby they showed views from celebrities, who would they vote.
Gosh, of all the many reasons, "Since Singapore never got a female Singapore Idol, therefore I support Sylvia because I want to see the first female Singapore Idol."
Is that how its suppose to be judge or is that just a plain fine excuse so that there shouldn't be another Malay winning Singapore Idol?
Why again race is being brought up here, when in the first place, we all declared Singapore as a multiracial country?
In other words, Singapore Idol is all about talent, style, X-factor.
How our Singapore Idol is able to connect and entertain us, Singaporeans.
Frankly, I do support Tabitha, but I dont mind having Sezairi as our Singapore Idol.
That made me even proud to be called a Malay.
Its proven that we, apart from Minah reps & Mat reps or whatever they are labelled as, are good, special and can be successful for as long as we give a good impression to the society and if we work hard.
No offense but I despise Minahs & Mats for bringing down the impression of Malays with a good religion, Islam.
Trust me, being Minahs & Mats will not bring any achievements.
Yes, it gave an identity but in bad way, I suppose.
Even our own race despise Minahs & Mats, how about other races.
We might never know whats in their mind.
Theres always cause & effect.
So it should start with us, Malays how we want to change, in order to be appreciated far more and be respected for who we are.(:

A video posted by my primary 3 niece in facebook.Haha!Oh my.

Our third Singapore Idol : Sezairi Sezali
Enjoy!(:

I went orchard for job hunting with bestfriend.
She's superbly fun as always.
I've got a job at this boutique at Wisma Atria, some italian boutique.
The manager said she will call me by next week.
Alhamdulillah.
I want to be busy soon.Please.

I miss you so much, only god knows but maybe you dont.

7:10 PM

Saturday, December 26, 2009

When someone we loved most pushed us away.

A deep hole was then carved like it can never be amend again.

I'm actually agitated.

Abit of a downfall, but I dont want to write any personal stuff here for the time being.

I need it to lay low and be within myself.

I admit I've lost half of my strength and teared once but then was being strong.

Cousin's birthday party is today.

I haven't wrap the birthday presents yet.

So yea,the soonest.(:

I'm going with the flow.

And as far as you know, all along its been always me who loves you with all my sincerity.

And I've always been trying my very best to give you my all and accepting your all.

But many people say, love it cant be seen nor touch, you can only feel it.

You may not even know it has been infront of you all along.

True love, its something that you would put your strength and weaknesses just to sacrifice.

True love, its something that make you feel right with each other.

4 years and still counting.

11:54 AM

Friday, December 25, 2009

Hidup itu harus diperjuangkan

Kebahagiaan itu bukan hanya datang bila apa yang diinginkan dimiliki

Kebahagiaan itu datang bila melihat org yang dicintai dan dikasihi tersenyum dan tertawa

23 december 2009

Birthday was fun, thanks too bestfriend, cousins, dearest sister Dayang, family & him.

Swensens, the cake, the food, the presents, the hug, the chocolates, the repeated wish.

Thank you;)

And thank you to those who wished me.

Let pictures tell the story.

Even though it was just a wish from you.

I cherished it that much.

Yes its true, I was crying and there are times when I felt so weak.

I admit it.

But on my birthday, I realised something.

And it made me remember how different I was from the other girls.

And that is the strength, the strength of believing my own instincts, my heart.

Because Allah will always give his guidance through the heart.

The strength of standing and keep on standing for what I believe in.

No matter what people say.

Words cant bring her down.

I'm a strong woman and even without people telling me.

Deep down I know it.

Sincerity and love taught me how to be strong.

I have faith in loving him for who he is.

InsyaAllah.

Its not why, and how much I've sacrificed.

How much loving and patiently waiting for you became part of my life.

I became stronger loving you.

No matter what, I'm carrying on with it.

With no regrets,love.

I will always listen to my heart like how I always do.

You've always been the best part of my day.

I love you with so much sincerity in my heart.

2:15 PM

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Its not the want to be with you.

Its the want to live with you, to go through thick and thins with you and grow old with you.

To me, you have always been the best thing that happens in my life.

I was browsing my archives yesterday after so long.

And I ended up crying.

I can still recall every single small incidents or small little things that you made just to make me smile and feel better at the end of the day.

I still remembered what you said,"kalau utk org i syg,i sanggup."

And now I dont know where I stand.

I miss you so much and only god knows that.

I kept checking my handphone, wondering if you suddenly want to text me or call me.

Only god and certain people knows what i'm going through right now.

Empty.

I cried till my throat pain, and stupid flu comes.

I dont know what else I'm hoping for.

Tomorrow is my special day.

And I dont know if its too much for me to ask.

But I really hope you remember.

I dont want presents from you.

I just miss you.

Its the thought that counts afterall.

Bismillah.

P.S.I need strength, "vitamin c", your smile, your love.But how?):

10:04 AM

Sunday, December 20, 2009

What requires a greater strength?

having the strength to move on or having the strength to hold on?

People said I'm such a fool for loving you.

But I continued,because from the very start,I knew why.

My previous post was abit of emotional breakdown.*Only god knows why*

My friday was spent with my dearest Erma.

Its been awhile since I went out with her.

We had fun as always and took pictures all the way.

Went to fort canning park,and simply just roamed ard there.

Oh yes,"keramat"...

we were like so semangat to go there,when we had a glance of it,we simply walked away.

Then hanged out at esplanade rooftop.

Thank you for the wonderful day(:

Saturday noon, I went for training at MPCC.

Its been quite some time I went for training.

Was just too busy and was flooded with countless problems.

After training, went back Bishan to meet up with my darling,Dayang.(:

We were like where should we go at first.

Ended up, we went fort canning again.*kental I went there for 2 days.LOL!*

Hanged out there and shared alot of things.

And that moment was one of the best moments,because sharing is caring.

We feel each other.chey2.(:

Then we walked to Plaza Sing to eat and then train-ed and bus-ed home.

I had fun of course,laughing and all those crazy selenge things we did.

Oh yes,"Patience is a virtue" my dear Dayang.Haha!

Thank you for everything,lov(;

"Birthdays are all about cutting cake and maybe presents."

I had a thought of how I celebrated birthday.

Its been awhile since I cut a cake.

It was when I was in kindergaten.

I have one wish,will you remember my special day,love.

"will you smile for me and that would be the most wonderful gift for me".

I miss you so much only God knows how much I tried to fake when I suddenly kept quiet.

3 days;please dont come.

6:06 PM

Thursday, December 17, 2009

It made me teared when I see no one really appreciate me for who I am and where I am right now.

How much I tried to help everyone whom I cared so much.

How much I'm trying my best to be there for those I loved most.

Even though, I'm suffering right here in silence and only god knows.

But not everybody showed me how much they appreciate me.

I swear I was tearing as I browsed through people whom I known and cared about.

And I was left alone.

Untouched.Uncared.Unappreciated.

It feels sick,pretending that everything is okay.

I really feel like I want to hide myself.

I really feel like I want to throw my handphone away.

I really feel like I want to stop using facebook and msn and even this blog.

It doesnt matter anymore.

I feel like running away and "Mastura" never existed.

Maybe its the best way.

This is not running away but the fact that since things want to go this way.

I will be this way.

I'm so sad by everything that happened in this week.

P.S. I HAVE LOST HOPE.

I WANT TO HIDE MYSELF FOR NOW ; not active in facebook,plurk,blogs or whatsoever.

im sorry )':

GOODBYE.

1:55 PM

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

My heart beats faster each time , when you're somewhere near to me

2 common test down,1 more to go.
Maths yesterday was superbly done."A" please.Haha.
WDD today suck to the core.
Trust me,I bullshit alot for it.
But oh well,whatever.

Yesterday before common test went to orchard with Hanisha.
It has always been so much laughter with her.
Bumped into someone or maybe you bumped into me.
I wanted to smile at you,to say "hi" to you,to tell you how much I miss looking at you.
But you just looked down and walked past beside me not noticing me looking at you.
I was finding for that smile.
And most importantly I was searching for your eyes.
For just a glimpse of it,to know what you feel.
I did stop just to look back and find for you.
Something so clear like glass.
And its very clear,I miss you.
I miss you very much,love.

Today after common test,went home got ready.
Then met up with Boon Siong,off to grandlink.
Met up with Abg Irfan,played pool there.
Then we proceed with karaoke for an hour.
First conversation:
Abg was like,"wah mas,ur voice uh make guys running after you..."
I was like,"hahah!ape jek what you mean..."
Abg went on,"hehe,mas ade bakat la..."
I was like,"hahah!biar betul..."
He went on,"betul la except that Boon Siong selalu sibuk spoil the whole song when you singing,you nyanyi sedap2 terus he spoil...hahaha!"
Second conversation:
Boon Siong went like this,"wah why you sing like lovey2 sia..."
I was like,"haha,because this song reminded me of someone I love."*suprised face becus he realise my sad expression singing the song,LOL!*
After that,Abg Irfan had to go off first.
And I proceed to meet with Hanisha at library and went to eat,and home sweet home.

8 days ;
I felt like part of my soul almost gone.
I laughed,I smiled because I want to show that I'm strong and I'm not giving up.
It may look fake.I'm sorry.
God,give more patience and strength.
Because I will just leave everything to you.
Allah s.w.t knows better and I will continue to follow what my heart says.
No matter what happens.

It was not how much love I have for you but how much loving you for what you are meant to me.
P.S. I never regret loving you,but I regret hurting you without realising.

7:26 PM

Monday, December 14, 2009

9days ; almost losing hope
i'm still having abit of breathing difficulties
i feel like running far far away):

maybe if i disappear, no one will even care.
P.S. I miss him.
u were the only thing in my mind.

1:16 AM

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Taking a breath at a time

I've been praying for you every now and then.

Outing with cousin was superbly fun.

Alot of catching up was done.

Went to accompany cousin to Novena to buy her clothes at cotton on for work.

Then proceed to Somerset 313, walked around explore all the places esp the shoes.

Gosh we have the same taste.Chey2.

Walked to town and ate nasi ayam penyet there.

Thank you for the treat.(:

Next outing soon kay and I want to go overseas with cousins.

Please persuade my mum.LOL!

Actually I'm not in a right mood.

Went home, studied for common test.

I felt my head like bursting.

I'm so down.Really down, but im not showing.

I was wrapping myself with jacket and blanket while watching tv.

Chest pain,breathing difficulties,and abit of flu.

I think I'm gg to fall sick soon.):

I feel so helpless ; no one cares.

I was thinking of u the whole time and dreamt of u last night.

I miss you too much.

U may nt even know,love.

10 days ; not hoping):

3:02 AM

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Going out with cousin in half hour time.

I'm not getting ready yet.

But I was suddenly down.):

I feel like crying.

I want to runaway where no one can find me.

Seriously ,I want to be invisible.

I want to hide.

P.S.Losing control of myself.Faking.

11:49 AM

Friday, December 11, 2009

"Cinta sejati,jodoh pertemuan semuanya di tangan Tuhan

Kita hanya mampu merancang ,tapi Tuhan yang menentukan"

Today was like any other days.

Except I'm early for class for the very first time and ...

It was really unexpected,but let it be,I'm still praying hard.

But today was a sunny day,dont you think so?

Alhamdulillah.

Give me more strength.

It was suppose to be the 8th day but ...

God knows,Hidayah knows,Hanisha knows,I know,the world DONT KNOW.

LOL!

I leave everything to god.

"Kekuatan cinta itu adalah kekuatan yang diberi oleh Tuhan.

Seperti rumah yang utuh.

Erti cinta.

Cinta pertama,cinta monyet dan segalanya.

Tapi cinta sejati untuk satu dan selamanya.

Jodoh dan cinta dari Tuhan.

Tk mengenal erti penantian.

Pengorbanan.

Mata bertentang mata,

senyuman berbalas senyuman,

terus menusuk ke hati.

Erti keikhlasan.

Cinta dan sayang menjadi satu."

Ok enough said that was something I believe in.

Haha,in other words,I'm actually refering to my fav Indonesian Sinetron.

Haha!*habis mas dah start*

"Terlanjur cinta"

A story of Murni is the only child of Arsyad’s who is naive, very kind, and a religion teacher.

Murni’s plan to marry with her boyfriend Ryan crushed when Ryan had a fatal accident and died on their wedding day.

Arsyad had a heart attack and before he died, he asked his favourite student, Ridho, to marry her daughter, Murni.

As soon as Ridho sees Murni, he falls deeply in love but Murni doesn’t seem interested in Ridho.

With determination and so much love he had for her,he tried his very best and showed her all the love.

Until,their love became their strength.

Enjoy the trailer ; pause the music player.

The rest of the episodes can be found in youtube.(:

"Maaf kutelah menyakitimu
Kutelah kecewakanmu
Bahkan kusia-siakan hidupku
Dan kubawa kau seperti diriku"

12 days;

I'm missing you,love.

9:01 PM

Ever wondered how it started

When things got bad,all we think of was the end of it

The story begins when friendships started,love struck,& lastly one big family.

Memories I cherished most was when I had the best days of my life.

Hollaback crew.

I think those were the most happiest moments in my life.

I can never forget how much we care about each other.

All the small stupid things we shared.

The laughter,the pain of trainings.

If I can be the director making a movie out of it,I think people will ended up crying watching it.

But most importantly,the experience of performing in Singapore Indoor Stadium.

That stage made everyone different that moment.

Different;special in their own ways.

I smiled with tears flowing down my cheeks watching the videos again.

Time flies and indeed 4 years passed but it seems like yesterday.

The fact is I miss each and everyone of them.

Despite other issues that we may have in between,those memories will always stay in our hearts.

Enjoy,pause music player first okay.(:

Its the 8th day):

My heart still misses.

12 days;

"How you expect things to be better in just 2 week's time?"

I miss you *fullstop*

1:27 AM

Thursday, December 10, 2009

"Being Strong"

Its 1.13 am and I still cant sleep.

And still I have to wake early for 8am class.

My mind is not here.

My heart is nowhere either.

I was browsing my inbox, and sent items and here it goes again.

And now its the 7th day.

Accurately one week.

And basically,my heart misses.

13 more days.

I've been praying hard.

I'm sorry for having split personalities.

I've lost control.

But I'm trying hard controlling.

Trust me,I'm faking everything.

"Disebalik senyuman,tersirat seribu kesedihan."

Aku rindu Bulan.

P.S.Suddenly I had a thought of all the memories in whitley

I miss them,all of them.

12:53 AM

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

It feels like a hole being punched through my heart

I miss you

Its the fifth day.

But it felt like 5 years.

I was having split personalities without realising.

Controlling so much pain and all the guilt.

Someone who is really down,doesnt like to be asked questions that goes against her emotions.

Now I understood how you feel.

How much you controlled your emotions,your pain.

Maybe this is one of God ways of making me understand what you've been through,love.

Busy week and I think I'm overtiring myself.

I need a break soon.Please,from everything.

Yesterday,got a call from Starbucks.

Will have to go interview next wk because this week my classes end quite late.

Should be starting work as soon as holiday starts(:

TopShop Dress & Heels ; Gucci Perfume

Caught my eye!(:

P.S.Dad been stuck on the phone keep calling the mediacorp hotline just to vote for Sezairi.Lol!

Go Tabitha!*crossfingers*

Aku bermimpi tentang bulan.

15 days)':

8:03 PM